The hole

*a break from atheism today, as i write raw (no caps, apostrophes, minimal edits, etc. etc.) about my recent heartbreak. 

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i shouldnt be looking at her facebook. her recent pics, her recent wall posts. that shit will make the hole in my stomach augment till im more space than skin. its only been five days since we broke up and for the most part im doing okay. there are good hours and bad ones, the former i attribute mostly to my being super busy. but its when im sitting in class or laying in bed or walking down the street all alone that the thought of her begins to consume me. to eat me alive. her face, her body, her voice, her smile--combined they shred all vestiges of hope i'd previously clung to, till the only thing i can think about is that im gonna die and everything will be over and in the end its all futile and meaningless and unspeakably miserable. when we were together, she kept my thoughts from plunging to that place. she was like an entertainer, there to make me smile, to laugh, distract me from the overwhelming horrificness the fact of human life embodies. but now shes gone. now shes "gone"--another abc living in the same city as me--and once again ive morphed into a 23-year-old, asian woody allen character, obsessed with, terrified of the Hole. 

what i really want to do is call her. no, scratch that. what i really want is to exercise telekenesis and make her call me. im the relationship loser; i cant stoop any lower to make first contact. i gave it everything i had the night we broke up. i said i want to stay with you, that im so madly in love with you its a joke, that its a crime against humanity if you dont stay in my life. all that followed by, "so, what do you think?" and still she said no, that she doesnt love me and that she doesnt want to be with me. ouch. the hole. that fucking hole unrequited love leaves in the heart is interminable. inversely, my pride has shot through to the stars. so ill be caught in pious garb praying to jesus before i make first contact.

but will she reach out to me? is it even a good idea if she does? imagine she texts me or calls me and says she wants to get back together. would i take her back? probably. then thats not the best question to ask. the better question: would it be best to take her back? after the way she treated me--as the ultimate afterthought--why would i do it? all this followed by an a question even more poignant: why am i even dwelling on the hypothetically impossible? im shaking my head right now. shes not gonna call. shes not gonna text. shes not gonna write to me on facebook and say any of the things i want her to say. shes gonna--she is already moving on and if i have any respect for myself i'll do the same. 

but i dont want to. not yet. theres still something positive to be derived from camping out in the past--some twisted sense of hope, of happiness from the brief set of memories--that its worth waiting out in the cold, because maybe, just maybe i'll get the invite in, where warmth, love, real happiness reside. 

what a load of shit.